iLOL
by iPepsi
Summary: Carly gets more dates than Spencer? Not so comforting for Daddy Dearest. It's time for a special talk. Can Spencer handle it? Too bad he has to embarrass himself AND get the biggest shock of his life all in one night.
1. Part One

**iLOL**

**Part One**

The phone rings downstairs while Carly, Sam, and Freddie are doing their webcast. Spencer is staring at his latest sculpture, contemplating additional finishing touches, but pauses to answer the call.

"Hello?"

"Hi son, it's been a while."

"Dad?"

"That's right. I thought it was about time I check on you myself rather than send granddad up from Yakima this time."

"Yeah, that last visit from him didn't go so well."

"So I heard, but I am glad it was worked out. I would have never left Carly with you if I doubted your ability to take care of her."

"I know, and that means a lot. I enjoy having my little sister around."

"Just wait 'til you find a girl that's a keeper. You might wish differently then, consider it a burden."

"I doubt I'm going to get married in the next two years. Carly gets more dates than I do. The joys of being sixteen."

Mr. Shay pauses and his tone turns serious.

"How long has Carly been dating?"

"Oh, I dunno. I'd guess the last two years or so."

"Do the relationships last long?"

"Relationships," Spencer chuckles, "I would hardly call them that. I think the longest she's spent going out with the same guy has been two weeks. Just exploring the pool, not a whole lot of diving going on."

"Spencer, I think it's time for 'the talk'…"

Spencer drops the phone, but catches it mid-fall.

"I hope you mean the one where I tell her not to run while carrying scissors."

"Son, you're the only authority figure Carly has at home right now, so unless you want me to send my father down there to talk with her I'm gonna need you to step up and do it."

"But she's a woman. A baby can grown inside of her and then pop on out. I think that's something to be realized without explanation."

"I'm not talking about the 'where babies come from speech' that toddlers get told. I'm talking about an honest, teenage sex talk."

"Didn't you wait until I was 17 for that one?"

"You didn't have a date until you were 18. Why rush what can be stalled?"

Spencer groans.

"You gave me condoms after that talk…"

"Of course, and the same should be done with your sister."

"Are you sure? The school system has changed since I was there. I hear they are way more informative in health class, and that they offer them protection for free through the nurse or something. Heck, she probably knows more than I do by now. Maybe we don't have to talk after all."

"I'm just concerned. You never know what kinds of things get censored at school. At least find out if she has any questions. I'm worried about her meeting the wrong 16-year-old boy and making uneducated decisions."

Spencer sighs, giving in.

"I really think Carly can handle herself, but if it will put you at ease, we'll talk about it."

"Thanks Spencer, I'm sorry our conversation was wasted focusing on Carly. I promise to call back again soon and talk more about what's going on in your life."

"Alright. Good night, sir."

"Bye."

Spencer hangs up just as Carly, Freddie, and Sam are coming down the stairs. Freddie tells the girls he has to leave for something with his mom, leaving just Carly and Sam leaning against the counter, wondering what's for dinner.

"Hey Spencer, how come you haven't cooked anything?"

"Oh, sorry. I meant to, I just got distracted with my sculpture, and then dad called."

"Dad called?"

"Yeah, we actually just got off the phone about ten seconds ago."

"Everything's alright with him?"

"Thankfully, it seems so. Sam might need to go home after dinner though. He asked me to have a conversation with you, alone."

"What? Sam always stays the night after iCarly. Why can't we talk with her here? Not like it's about sex or anything…"

Spencer begins to fidget in the kitchen, avoiding eye contact with Carly as he picks up a pan from the cupboard. Sam and Carly both notice his strange behavior.

"Wait…it's really about sex?"

Spencer just nods his head, moving for the fridge briskly. Sam laughs, taking her attention off the e-mail she had been checking.

"I haven't kissed a boy in two months. Unless STDs became LTDs I think I'm covered."

"I promised dad we would talk about it. I suppose Sam can stay if she wants."

Sam rolls her eyes.

"Don't mind me; I'll just be making magic in the kitchen while you two have your heart-to heart. The disappearing ham trick is my favorite, after all."

Sam jumps down from the stool she was sitting on and heads for the fridge, Carly and Spencer move to the couch.

"Well…on with it," Carly pressures.

"Oh yeah, so…do you have any questions?"

"Nope, guess you're gonna have to go with your gut on this one."

"Fantastic…"


	2. Part Two

**iLOL**

**Part Two**

"Maybe you should lie to dad about this and not actually talk at all."

Spencer shakes his head.

"You know how I am at telling lies…"

"I thought Sam helped you overcome that."

"It worked for about ten seconds then I snapped like a pencil hitting a boulder."

"Alright then, say something that sounds like advice, I'll ask a question that sounds legit for you to answer, and when dad calls again you can make a recap if he needs details."

"Take control of your relationships. Set moral guidelines before a tentative situation arises. Always know who will be responsible for which precautions."

"Wow, Spencer, that's surprisingly deep advice."

"As long as we're keeping it short and skipping the dirty details, may as well cut to the ideal preparation suggestions."

"Hmm, so, if someone always wants to be on top does that mean they are selfishly dominant and are most likely using you?"

"Uh, whoa, that's a really…I thought we were keeping this simple?"

Carly shrugs.

"I'm just keeping it real."

"In a healthy relationship you should be able to communicate whether something is uncomfortable or neglectful to your expectations."

"In other words, if I don't have an orgasm I should tell them to come back after they've taken lessons."

Spencer cringes a little, but stays cool.

"Maybe something equally blunt, but a little less intimidating."

"When isn't blunt intimidating?"

"That's not the point…"

"Alright, what else do you wanna say? Sam's already rolling on the kitchen floor. We might have to break the Pow Wow for her safety."

"I don't know. You are an exceptional student, none of your previous dates have been jerks, and I'm positive you can take care of yourself."

"I'm glad you trust me because I've kinda been with someone for two months."

"Been with?"

"Not like that, Spencer. It's more than dating though. We're together."

"Who is it?"

"Sam."

"Like Samuel? I don't think you've introduced me to him."

"No Spencer, like Samantha. My girlfriend who practically lives with us."

Sam picks herself off the floor and walks over to the recliner that is beside the coffee table and the couch.

"As long as I've become a part of this conversation…"

Spencer rubs his forehead while looking between the two girls.

"Why didn't you say something before we attempted this half-assed sex talk? Obviously this changes things…"

"Most of the cheesy stuff you said kinda applies."

"Yeah," Sam pipes in, "communication is still needed."

"I'd rather have an uncomfortably graphic sex talk than be the one to explain THIS to dad."

"Let Sam continue to stay over and I'll tell dad myself."

"But he's going to order me to not let her stay when he finds out."

"Not necessarily…he doesn't know she stays here in the first place. He can't forbid something that wouldn't cross his mind to begin with."

"Well then, you've got yourself a deal."


	3. Part Three

**iLOL**

**Part Three**

A week later, Mr. Shay calls back and Carly happens to be the one to answer the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello Carly, is Spencer around?"

"Nope, he left for the junk yard ten minutes ago."

Carly hops up on a stool beside the kitchen counter, leaving Sam on the couch where they had been watching a movie that is now paused since she is eavesdropping on the phone call.

"I promised him when I called last week that we'd catch up, but as long as I've got you on the phone, how have you been?"

"I've been fine. School will be out soon."

"Still keeping those grades up? Spencer told me about how you did last semester. I was very proud."

"Yeah, the only class I'm worried about is chemistry."

"That subject has been worrying me too. I hear you've been out with a few guys…"

"Oh, I know, Spencer and I had a talk about your concern."

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there to talk to you myself."

"Really, it's fine Dad. I'm not dating boys anymore."

"That's a relief. I was worried they would distract you from homework."

"Nah, my girlfriend knows to leave me alone when I'm studying."

Carly hears a choking noise on the other end of the phone.

"Dad, are you okay?"

She finally hears the clearing of a throat as her dad's voice returns.

"Sorry honey, I think I misheard your last comment."

"The one about my girlfriend?"

"So I didn't mishear you?"

"No, Sam and I are dating."

"Does Spencer know you are dating your best friend?"

"I told him when we talked last week."

"But he didn't call to tell me about it."

"You told us not to dial out to you unless it's an emergency."

"Have Spencer call me when he returns, please. It was good to talk to you, Carly."

"Good bye, sir."

Mr. Shay hangs up and Sam is staring at Carly, bewildered.

"I didn't think you were serious about telling your dad when you made that deal with Spencer."

Carly joins her back on the couch after hanging up the phone.

"I had to tell him. Spencer would never believe me if there wasn't a reaction like this. He wants him to call him back."

"I think we need to go fall asleep on a bus so we can end up in Canada."

"I think only Spencer can get lucky like that."

"Ugh, I can't hear comments like that anymore without thinking about that ridiculous sex talk."

"Ugh, me neither…fail."

"Let's just stay awake and get off in Canada on purpose."

"Let's do it."

"Deal."


End file.
